Singled Out

Apparently 2009 welcomed me with a bang! Like a nuclear explosion although on the side, I am happy, yes I am in the true sense of the word. Apparently our youngest sibling got married almost 2 years ago without informing anyone in the family (secret marriage) and she is now expecting, the sole reason why she came out in the open first week of December. Iam still a bit mad at her for bringing the news too late as my Dad died last October whatever her reason was, it may take a while for me to fully understand her.

And now my younger sis Che, revealed as well that she is planning to get married with her boyfriend of two years by September of this year or January next year, apparently am not sure if I may be able to attend the wedding as am London bound anytime soon...

This got me thinking, am the eldest of my sisters, yet I still don't have the slightest idea if I am gonna get married. Not that I am whining (Iam hehehe)...am about to panic that I am at the end of the line, that maybe just maybe because of a few failed relationships, dozens of heartbreakers who came in and out of my life.... Iam indeed close to accepting that..I maybe bound to singlehood...waaaaaa

Hayyy, am still in cloud nine...am happy about the changes for them...but at the same time...this 2009...I need to still be single or else, Sukob ehehe


:p

Lonely Dee

Was in the cab on my way to work when I heard this song and it finally hit me....
Am not alone but am I lonely?...
Not about someone holding my hand when needed...not for the goodnight kiss or random i love you's....am just alone feeling so lonely....
Self pity..guess so....
I am so damn afraid that am gonna be alone there in a few months...new place, new friends...new everything....
I might be singing this song over there...
But I hope I wont be feeling lonely being alone out there......

Haist life


When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself
Anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
Making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
Oh
Don't wanna live
By myself, by myself
Anymore
By myself
Anymore
Oh
All by myself
Don't wanna live
I never, never, never
Needed anyone

Hear it here

I just dont wanna be lonely........

Was in the cab on my way to work when I heard this song and it finally hit me....
Am not alone but am lonely...
Not about someone holding my hand when needed...not for the goodnnight kiss or random i love you's....am just alone feeling so lonely....
Self pity..guess so....
I am so damn afraid that am gonna be alone there in a few months...new place, new friends...new everything....
I might be singing this song over there...
But I hope I wont be feeling lonely being alone out there......

Haist life


When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself
Anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
Making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
Oh
Don't wanna live
By myself, by myself
Anymore
By myself
Anymore
Oh
All by myself
Don't wanna live
I never, never, never
Needed anyone

Revelation 101

Shocked..almost tripped on megamall....

Haist..why now?

I don't easily give up on people

Met with a former officemate yesterday, and from there I knew something from another ex officemate slash friend?
I dunno what to say....I don't even know if I will feel sorry or feel guilty that for the last two weeks I gave up on him and even felt bad that he is not responding to any of my texts and even replying to any of my message on ym. We were the kind of friends who would knew what we were feeling about something, usually eats out and go to movies after our offs..the only person who would upfront tell me how dumb Iam for loving someone who's not so worth it...two weeks ago I rcvd a virus message from him and he immedietely logged out of ym...I was so shocked and hurt..if it was him really...but he never spoke a word to any of my questions...never reacted to any of my text messages...we were laughing so hard the last day I saw him in the office and days after I would just know from our TL he was quitting.....
Hayy, what's the use of me venting out....ewan...I dunno...i just felt it was so unfair of him leaving his friends this way....clueless..until I heard his story from another person....I wished I knew how to react the friend way....but none of those moved me...I even reacted negatively bout his life these days...I just uttered.."OK...but I dunno what to say....If he has that problem..Iam sorry but Iam sorry if I don't give a big deal about it...he chose to isolate himself...not saying a word...he left..and l gave up na on him..yeah he is still a friend but am just hurt that he has to leave that way...."
Darn...last night...when I came home, I felt guilty........ I wandered how he survived the things that has been happening to him, but does he care that his friend cares..I dunno...I really dunno.
Maybe I felt bad that from the team Iam one of his closest...that he eventually chose to say something from one of our friends...but it was not it..it's him leaving anmd burdening all his worries all by himself
I texted him almost a month ago that am just around..I will listen..I just need to know if he is OK...eventually he chose to shut up..and shut us down...

I remember one time last April..we were chatting..was so honest how sad Iam...he told me cheer up..and eventually said this song is for me....

Bat your eyes girl
Be otherworldly
Count your blessings
Seduce a stranger
What's so wrong
With being happy?
Kudos to those who
See through sickness

I suggest we Learn to love ourselves
Before it's made illegal
When will we learn
When will we change
Just in time to see it
All come down

Floating in this cosmic Jacuzzi
We are like frogs
oblivious
To the water starting to boil
Now I flinch and
We all float face down

-Warning by Incubus]

Nyak...how ironic..you left without warning.....

I may have literally said I gave up on you....I dunno if I really did....
But like what I said...I don't give up on people...I don't easily give up on people
Especially friends...

You know where to reach me...

DOWNTIME

I thought was not gonna cry that hard as I did last night....
Heheh, it's not about him I swear...
It's about me being lost...freaking lost and insecured....
I just realized how far they have all gone and went to their goals...and me...because am such a chicken, I wasted my time thinking Iam OK...I was until finally it hit me....
It's about time I do my moves and I don't freaking care how hard until I get there....

I hope I will be tougher and be positive about these things,Iam smiling and all but deep inside am so lost and lame.....
Hayyy..... Again one of those days....DOWNTIMES

SO THIS IS OUR STORY

I think I needed that 2 days with him...2 freaking days to sort out and check on differences...
I know I have been so blatanly crazy saying it's done..its over what is done is done...but I just have a lot of questions on my mind....
I have finally asked him to tell evrything talk to me but I have made it clear that it won't make any difference..what was done was done and no amount of apology or tears will change my mind in saying that what we have may be wrong or right but whatever the case...it's still a no go.
I dunno we went to the beach..there was no plan whatever...Puerto Galera ...was such a far away place but we needed to be in a far away land..atleast...we dont have to think about hiding...and to make sure we'll have those days for us.
It was awkward and I hid it from my friends...it was really a get away but not on the purpose of hiding everything from our friends...I guess he was pressured enough by our other friends to talk to me several times and I was as well and I guess that is the least thing we needed...to be pressured by our common friends to speak out and sort our silly minds.
It took him to just text me that Sunday morning to just say "Let's go to Galera"
And I texted back "OK"

Before I knew it, he fetch me at the house....Off we went to Puerto Galera...
Have a lot of doubts both on myself and him but we just needed that time alone and to make sure that we will really talk and just set our thinking to sort our minds that we needed a CLOSURE...for peace of mind and for us to eventually move on our lives....I guess it was about time we hear what we have to say to each other...for almost two years I relied on his explanation on texts, on email on short chit chats....which Im afraid could not answer that what if's and whys in our lives...I needed the direct answer and however painful the sad reality is..I JUST HAVE TO HEAR EVERYTHING...INCLUDING THE F*CKING REAL THING FROM HIM..........

TWO weeks ago it started with a coffee and continued in sessions of vodka and margarita...ended drunk..yet so brave to speak out...I tell you...I could'nt possibly be so true when Iam mad..am so afraid to hurt the other person even if Iam friggin mad...even Iam provoked..you can never hear me say hurtful things...even if the other person deserves it...most of my friends say I needed to blurt and spurt it all out so I wont be hurt so bad in the end...I should have listened..but I CANNOT...GET MAD...AS MUCH AS I WANT TO.

I know at the back of my mind am hoping and hoping againts hope...I know i can never believe in him wholeheartedly...but to end my agonizing pain..to my countless questions...I needed to say something....

I QUIT....
I DON'T THINK IT'S WORTH THE PAIN..THE TEARS....THE TIME...

(to be continued)